Forgiveness is absolutely necessary for my healing.
But not so that I can forget or “get over” the hurt that I have endured.
Hurt is hurt. And I believe for healing’s sake, it’s important for me to acknowledge it. And it is even more important to bring it to the foot of the cross, lay it before Jesus, and allow Him to heal me right where He gave His life to do just that – to heal me from sins and from my woundedness to leads me to sin.
I am not an emotionless human being that can leave hurtful words and actions behind and brush them off as if they never happened.
But when they happen, as they happen, can I ask Jesus to unite my pain with His which He suffered on the cross without outwardly reacting in a way that reflects the pain I feel inside? Should I sometimes do this for the sake of the relationship I have with the person that has hurt me, the other person(s) around me, and the situation I am in? I have found that sometimes the answer to these questions is “yes.”
I do not believe Jesus is asking me to completely forget what has happened or not to let what others say affect me. How can I? As a child of God, I was made from love, to love. And in loving others, we expose ourselves and become vulnerable by opening ourselves to be loved in return. But sometimes, unfortunately, that love is not returned.
I am human. I feel joy, sorrow, happiness, and pain. And I feel hurt when I am emotionally wounded or when others I love are wounded.
I was not created to be a robot that responds only with my mind. I am a child of God created to love with my heart.
But, can I be in control of my reactions in those moments of hurt so I do not outwardly react in a way that reflects the pain and anger I feel inside? Yes, I believe I can. I know I can. Because I have done it.
Of course, this is only possible through the grace and mercy of God.
Now, I am not suggesting that when hurtful words and actions come that I say, either internally or externally, “That’s okay. What they say doesn’t hurt me.” Nor do I try to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel the pain I am feeling.
My feelings are my feelings. My experience is my experience. It is okay, and I believe it is necessary, to acknowledge my feelings, instead of pushing them down or denying they are real and valid – as long as I bring my feelings to the foot of the cross, where Jesus can heal my pain by uniting my suffering with His.
Here is a post about my healing encounters with Jesus and how He has helped heal my emotional wounds.
Early On
Growing up with anxiety and depression in a world – and family – that did not understand this type of struggle was extremely difficult. Add in family dynamics and own unique (yet similar) woundedness and it became an environment that I could not escape soon enough.
For many years after I left home for college, I refrained from attending family gatherings. It was just too painful.
I know my family didn’t understand.
On one level, I just wished they would understand. I wished they would understand the anxiety and fear I experienced beforehand of the woundedness I was sure that would be triggered during my visit. And then the emotional toll of being triggered and the pain of these wounds being reopened would take on me and the time it would take to heal upon my coming home.
On the other hand, I didn’t want them to understand because that would mean they would really know the extreme pain and anxiety I felt. And I wouldn’t have wished that on my worst enemy.
So, I learned for me it was necessary, when I was able, to refrain from attending family gatherings until I felt it was emotionally safe to do so.
Looking back, I do not regret all the times I decided not to attend family gatherings. I knew it would be too much for me.
I did experience guilt because I knew what was being said about me for not coming—which was hurtful in itself.
The truth is I wanted to want to come. I wanted to be with my family and not be afraid of being hurt. I wanted us all to be one big, happy family.
But I had to take care of my emotional well-being. And sometimes that meant my family wasn’t happy with my decisions.
Recent Years
Thanks to my healing encounters with Jesus my heart has healed to the point that I am able to make it to family gatherings more often.
I still get hurt. I still get triggered. And I probably inflict some pain on others without knowing it (Lord, have mercy on me).
But I don’t deny the pain, push it down, or ignore it and say, “oh well, that’s just them, they don’t mean it.” It may be true that they don’t consciously mean it, but it still hurts. And it’s okay to acknowledge that.
At the moment when the hurt occurs, I ask Jesus to enter into my heart and unite my pain with His. Because I know it hurts Him, too. It hurts Him when I’m hurting. It hurts Him when I hurt others, too. It hurts Him when any of us are hurting.
I acknowledge my feelings interiorly. Then, I offer Him my wounded heart and ask Him to heal the wound that was just inflicted.
Sometimes I have to later allow myself to feel the hurt more deeply and even cry it out with my husband or a good friend. The best medicine for me is to sit in front of Jesus in the tabernacle and allow Him to heal my heart in its current state. I allow Him to enter into my heart— regardless of what I am feeling — sadness, anger, pain, frustration, rage, fear, righteous indignation, envy, or pride. I ask Him to make my heart His home where He can purify and heal my throbbing wounds. Here is a post that talks more about my healing encounters with Jesus.
I ask Jesus to be with me at my family gatherings. I ask Him to help me see my family with His eyes and love them with His Heart.
Since I live close to my family, it is usually only a day trip. And I’ll be honest, generally, by the end of the time we are together, I’m looking at my husband with eyes that say, “Are you ready yet? Because I am.”
He returns a knowing look of compassion because he is aware of how hard these gatherings can be for me. We then say our goodbyes.
Last Year
When we went home to visit my family last year for Christmas it was the first time that I did not want to leave as soon as the Christmas festivities of present opening and family dinner were over. We lingered around and stayed a little longer than usual.
What was different? At that time, I couldn’t exactly put my finger on it.
As I look back over that year leading up to it, I see I had done a lot of work on forgiveness. I forgave my family members (interiorly). And I also asked for forgiveness from some of them, even when it was hard and a part of me felt like I shouldn’t have to ask for it.
The story of this forgiveness journey really deserves its own blog post. And this one is already way longer than the industry standard, so I won’t go into much more detail. But I will say this forgiveness journey that began earlier that year in a response to a call from Jesus to do so, was what made the difference in my ability to actually enjoy my family gathering last year for Christmas.
This Christmas
I don’t know what it will be like this year.
But I know Jesus loves me. And that He’ll be with me.
He knows my desire for my own healing, my family’s healing, and for the healing of our relationships — however that healing process needs to look or the time it needs to take.
I just need to keep my eyes on Him, place all my struggles, woundedness, and fears at the foot of the cross, and then seek refuge in His Heart. His Most Merciful, Loving, and Healing Heart.
*Please note: In this post, I am speaking of emotional wounds. I would never suggest or believe that Jesus would lead me to subject myself to physical abuse of any kind, nor do I believe He would want anyone to do this. I do not believe that He is asking any reader of this post to subject themselves to any kind of emotional or psychological abuse either. I am only speaking from my personal experience of my healing encounters with Jesus.
All that being said, I cannot deny my experience of these healing encounters with Jesus and that it has in fact led me to maintain relationships with those who have been and continue to be hurtful to me. I know it is only through His grace and Divine intervention that I have been able to do so. And I believe I felt called to share this post because there is much more transformative healing He wants to do — He just needs us to hear that this kind of healing is possible.