An Open Letter to Family Members with Loved Ones Who Have Mood Instability Mixed with Anger/Irritability

It is my desire to communicate many things regarding this experience, but in this letter, to focus on helping you understand the experience your loved one is having related to anger and/or irritability.

I feel it is important to note, from my experience, true anger is not necessarily associated with mental illness, but rather comes from a place of very deep hurt within the heart. Other emotions and behaviors, such as irritability, are very much associated with mood instability, a variety of other illnesses, stressful life events or just plain “having a bad day.” Also, sometimes we can confuse irritability and anger, or they can both occur at the same time.

My plea to you, is that whatever you do, ask for the grace to not see your loved one through the lens of his/her illness and whatever diagnosis he/she is given. Ask for the grace to always see your loved one as who God created him/her to be and how God sees him/her. It is important to ask for this grace, especially on the days your loved one does and says things that hurt you deeply.

Also, try not to attribute whatever behavior he/she is experiencing, especially if it is anger, as always something that is a part of your loved one’s illness. This can give the impression you are minimizing his/her feelings by doing so. Also, you could be wrong in assuming this.

It is my experience that anger is generally something separate, however the intensity and inability to control the behavior which comes from anger, is what mood instability can cause.

Whether what your loved one is experiencing is anger or irritability, I hope to help you understand his/her experience by presenting you with a reflection I pray can help you in some way.

A Reflection to help you understand your loved one’s experience

Anger: Think for a moment about a time someone did something to anger you – whether it was something they did to you or someone you cared for. The anger you felt was the kind you feel which courses through your veins, gives you an adrenaline rush, your breathing becomes heavy, your mind begins to race, and you purse your lips to keep from speaking. You may begin to go over and over in your mind how you’d like to respond, and you play out conversations in your head of how you’d like to make the person who hurt you feel what you feel and make them understand how they’ve hurt you. Yet, there is a part of you that holds back from acting from your anger.

Irritability: Think about a time when you haven’t gotten a lot of sleep. You’re tired and you feel drained. Your mind feels fuzzy. Your kids are crying, whining or acting out. It’s the little things that seem to send you into a tailspin. Yet, you do your best to hold back shouting, screaming or yelling. And even if you do some of this, it’s not nearly as much as you want to…

Reflect: Think for a moment what would happen in either or both of these situations if the part of you that holds you back from lashing out or saying exactly what you are thinking and feeling did not hold you back? What would you do, what would you say? What does that part of you that holds back your anger or irritability keep you from doing?

What is important to understand about someone who suffers from mood instability, is that the part of that person which holds them back from acting from their anger or irritability isn’t working right. Emotions are at an all-time high, nerves are on overload and the person many times says what they think when they think it, and acts on emotions without considering the consequences as they normally would.

I can remember many times as a young child and teenager experiencing these extreme emotions. I can even remember at times wanting to stop and control it, but it was as if my body would not let me.

I also remember being very angry. My anger was related to very deep wounds, and while I know much of the anger I felt was justifiable and related to deep hurts, I realized over time the way in which I acted from my anger was not healthy or helpful and hurt those I released this anger upon. And while I understand the part of me that kept me from holding back and dealing with my anger in a healthy way was not working, I still realize when I lashed out, yelled, argued, and acted out, I hurt others around me.

To be honest, it is something I have felt a great deal of guilt about for a long time. Even though I knew the acting out from my anger was not something I could control at the time, it still hurt others and the hurt couldn’t be healed with a simple, “I’m sorry.” It has taken years to repair the relationships to what I have now with my parents and siblings. It is by the grace of God this has happened.

It is very possible your loved one may feel guilt at some point as well, either now or in the future, once his/her mood becomes stable through treatment and your loved one comes to grips with what he/she is experiencing. Know your loved one doesn’t want to act out of his/her anger or irritability, but unfortunately it is very unlikely he/she is able to control it right now. It is important for you to constantly remind yourself of this and to reflect on how you would act, speak and do things if the part of yourself that holds you back from acting on your emotions wasn’t working.

I hope this reflection helps you understand what it is like for your loved one when he/she is angry, irritable and acts out with extreme behaviors. I don’t know your loved one, and I don’t know if what he/she is experiencing is extreme irritability or if this is truly anger related to something that’s happened and has hurt him/her deeply. If it is truly anger, it is important to remember, anger comes from deep hurt, and anger is many times a defense mechanism. It takes the healing of this deep hurt to eliminate the anger.

I understand you have been hurt, too.

I wanted to write to you in detail about this experience of anger and irritability to help you understand what your loved one is experiencing, because I can only imagine how hurt you and your family must be from whatever your loved one may say when they are acting from their anger or irritability. Also, it is certainly understandable if you have become angry in response to those things.

The hurt and anger you may be feeling is certainly not wrong, it is natural and understandable if you want to avoid being put in the situation to be on the receiving end of that anger or irritability. I know my family was certainly hurt and developed anger and resentment towards me from how I behaved when I was younger.

There are many ways in which I would like to write to you about how to help your loved one heal and recover, as well as how you can heal and recover yourself, through helping your loved one feel understood, ensuring they know you love them (even when they are not doing well), and practical suggestions and treatment recommendations based on my own experience in living with a mood disorder since I was a young child. I will do so in an upcoming letter.

There is hope.

I would like to end this letter with an important message to you. There is hope. So much hope. There are so many people who have gone through what your loved one is experiencing, and what you are experiencing as family members, and have come out the other side living healthy, happy and harmonious lives.

Keep asking for the grace of forgiveness when you’re hurt by your loved one and for the grace to see him/her as God sees him/her. If you would like some resources, here is a reflection I use to help with developing compassion for those that have hurt me and a prayer I use to pray for those that hurt me or others I love.

Always remember the loved one you know and love is still there – there are just parts of their mind and body that may not be working quite right and could be the cause of their extreme behavior. There is hope. There is treatment. And your loving response to their pain will be more healing than you could ever know.

The mercy of God is endless.

Hold tight to the cross and never forget Jesus and Mary are with you now, even when you feel you are alone. They are always there. They are there with your loved one as well.

Know that, trust in that, hold on to the Truth that one day, all your pain and suffering, and your loved one’s pain and suffering, will pass, and you, your family and your loved one will rest in Our Heavenly Father’s arms forever.