One beautiful fall day this past September, I looked at the clock and I realized I needed to get moving — I had things to do and places to be! I hurried my bulldog, Winston, into his crate by luring (and rewarding) him with treats, and then I called out for my kitty, Jake, to be sure he was in the house (and not wandering in the backyard) before I left. And there little Jake was, waiting on the second step from the bottom of our stairway, looking up at me, waiting patiently to be given his treats for delighting me with his presence. All good, I thought, now I could get going.
I locked the house, got in my car, backed it up, put it into drive, and headed on my way. As I took a left on my main street to head out into the city, I realized something — something spectacular, something miraculous. Had I been in the Eucharistic chapel at that moment, I surely would have fallen to my knees in praise and thanks to the Almighty for His Great Blessing and the Miraculous Healing He had bestowed on me …
Struggling to Acceptance of OCD
Many people who know me well are aware I’ve struggled with obsessive-compulsive disorder most of my life. The truth is, I’ve struggled with it in some form and in varying degrees of intensity for as long as I can remember, even as a child. For a long time, I didn’t know what it was.
As a child, I had to keep papers straight on a desk. I was constantly straightening them, never quite being satisfied, and compulsively having to restack and restraighten — until I became so frustrated I had a mild breakdown, looked up to the heavens, and said, “I can’t take this anymore” and hurried out of the room. I remember having to brush my teeth several times, never feeling I got them quite clean enough. When I got dressed, I would have to put on, take off, and then put clothes on again, because I kept feeling like the clothes were not on correctly, not straight, or … I don’t know what!
It is hard to explain these compulsions and the intrusive thoughts I dealt with. These were not at all rational; they made no sense! You might ask, “Even if you had those thoughts, why did you have to give in to the compulsions?” My response: Because if I didn’t, I felt something bad would happen. I couldn’t explain why. But the feeling was intense enough that I felt I had no choice but to give in to the compulsions.
When I was about fourteen, I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down and talked with my mother. I explained to her what I was experiencing and that I believed I was going crazy; and she, I’m sure not knowing what to think, reached out to our priest.
After knowing many priests throughout my life, I’ve come to learn they all have a special gift, a unique calling unto themselves. This priest had the gift of being a great counselor, a consoler — and a blessing to all who knew him. Amazingly, he understood what I was experiencing and was able to guide me through the most intense of these compulsions. He allowed me to contact him, day or night, and he would walk me through the moments of great torture I experienced daily.
Fast forward a few (okay, many) years. My OCD struggles are something I’ve learned to cope with. I’ve sought therapy, learned coping skills and methods that have gotten me through some pretty tough times, and I take medication to assist with the intensity of these intrusive thoughts and compulsions. The care I have and continue to have is excellent. I also have become aware of two things: first, when my general anxiety is high, the intensity of these OCD struggles tends to increase. Second, these struggles tend to decrease in intensity when I’m at work or when I am consumed with stress about other things in my life — things I’m working on, events I’m planning – essentially, when my mind is occupied somewhere else.
There are days when using words and phrases such as “debilitating” and “disruption to normal functioning” cannot adequately express what I experience.
My OCD struggles have varied over the years, including (but certainly not limited to):
- obsessively washing my hands.
- obsessively checking my medication each night (which I put in weekly pill containers) to make sure I haven’t missed any or taken more than I should.
- taking at least ten minutes when leaving the house to check everything multiple times, making sure the stove is off, coffeemaker and curling iron are unplugged, etc.
- being deathly afraid while driving that I’m going to run over somebody or something, constantly checking behind and around me to make sure I haven’t (a small bump in the road becomes full-on panic that I’ve hit something or someone!).
These have been but a few of my OCD struggles.
Until recently, I would just build that time into my day, accepting the need to spend those ten extra minutes to get out of the house and then check all around me before I put my car into drive and left for the day. And thankfully, I have learned to laugh at myself regarding these OCD struggles.
But in the past few years, one thing has helped more than anything: I’ve invited God into my OCD struggles, asking Him to help me get through them. Never once, though, did I ask Him to take them away. I accepted OCD as one of my crosses, and saw how God worked through my struggles to help others.
An Unexpected Healing
In all this flurry of writing about my OCD struggles, I haven’t begun to discuss the amazing blessings I’ve received and the spiritual growth I’ve had throughout recent years. Most importantly, I’ve learned to listen to His call, His voice, His peace to guide me. Back in August, I answered His call and gave up something extremely important to me, something that I felt defined me and I gained great satisfaction from (and in reflecting more on it, I realize it also fed my desire for approval from others and increased my pride). However, the blessings from giving this up have been abundant. The control I had to let go of and release to Him to give this up was … well, at one point it was something I didn’t feel I could ever do. However, blessings flowed abundantly from this yes to the Lord, including one that was quite unexpected.
Back to September
This healing the Lord has given me was unexpected, and for someone who has suffered with intense compulsions of OCD for my whole life, this was not something I would have ever dreamed to ask for.
On the day I mentioned at the beginning of this post, after ensuring Winston and Jake were safe in the house, I locked up, got in my car, backed it up, put it into drive, and headed on my way. At no time during this process did I spend the extra ten minutes checking the stove was off or that the coffeemaker and the curling iron were unplugged. I did not spend any extra time — at all — checking all around me for things I might run into as I backed up. It even occurred to me that the night before I hadn’t even once double-checked I had taken the right amount of medication. And the more I thought about, the more I realized I hadn’t been doing those things for quite a few days. In fact, other OCD struggles had decreased significantly, and a few even seemed to have evaporated into thin air. But why; how was this possible?
Now, my first thought was that maybe I’d been consumed with other things in life. However, that was not the case at all. In fact, with giving up what God had asked me to, there was more time and much less stress in my life, which normally would have provided ample opportunities to be consumed by my OCD struggles.
So how is it possible that all of a sudden these OCD compulsions, which I’ve always struggled with, been tormented by, and accepted as part of my life, were suddenly gone or reduced to such an insignificant degree that they almost didn’t exist at all? Especially since I had done nothing different therapeutically or medically to change things?
As I drove down my neighborhood street, I felt God smiling down on me. He filled me with His love, and then, I knew. It was His healing, healing in only the way God can give it. It was a gift and a blessing. I believe this healing directly correlated with the sacrifice I made to follow His will in giving up something that was extremely important to me. And it is a blessing I needed to share. I could go on (and on and on) about how amazed I am by this blessing, this gift, this healing.
I would be lying if I said, however, that none of these OCD struggles have ever returned, but when they have, it has been to a very small degree and when I wasn’t trusting in Him, when I wasn’t following His will. Even then, though, they are only minor, but they serve as a reminder to trust in Him.
Please know I am extremely grateful for all the amazing support, therapy, and care I’ve received over the years. It is a blessing from God when we receive support and care to help us with our struggles in life. I do not know why it was this cross God took from me, as opposed to others that I still continue to bear. The Lord, more than anyone, knows how undeserving I am of this gift, this healing. Yet He healed me anyway. I continue to ponder this gift, this healing, and praise God for it. It is truly a blessing, and if you struggle at all from obsessive-compulsive disorder to any degree, you understand why I call it “miraculous.”
Thank you for reading this story of healing. May God, in His Goodness and Mercy, heal you where it will bring glory to Him, and give you His strength to continue to bear your crosses where it will bring others closer to Him. May we accept all freely, willingly — joys, blessings, suffering, crosses — as coming from Him. May we always turn to Him in gratitude for these gifts of healing and suffering in our lives, that we may abandon ourselves into His Merciful, Compassionate, and Healing Heart. In all things, may God’s will be done.
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Thank you for sharing this intimate view. I know it isn’t easy. But I also know that every time we speak to these things, the potential is there for healing in another. God bless you.
So courageous to share this!
It was a true joy to read this and because I know you, literally made me cry. I am so happy you are experiencing some peace from OCD. You so deserve all your blessings!
Thank you! I have just given up something that was so wrapped up in my OCD and the panic that occurred at first made me think I was falling back instead of getting free. It has been rocky only when my trust in God wavers. It was nice to read your miracle because it is.
Thank you for sharing! I always thought there are no such stories of OCD being healed and I found that really discouraging, as I have struggled with OCD from as far back in my life as I can remember, and I still struggle with it and the great anxiety it brings. But your story gives me much hope and I am so happy to hear of your miracle healing. I am very happy for you that you can now live healed and free from struggles of your past. It is truly an inspiration to me to keep trusting God in everything no matter how tough the going gets. May God continue to shine and pour out His blessings info your life, and I hope you’ll never keep sharing this miracle of yours with others and that your testimony will be a great source of hope and faith to others.
Thank you for your comment, Jing! God is good. I pray He showers His abundant blessings on you and that you find all your peace in Him – where everlasting peace resides. May you rest in His Heart for eternity!
Sorry I meant I hope you’ll never STOP* sharing! That was a typo.
Buenas noches, quería darte las gracias porque sólo Dios puede curar, nuestro padre del cielo y me ha transmitido una paz cuando he rezado a él como has dicho, El nunca me fallado y lo puede todo
Amén. Nuestro Dios es bueno. Su amor perdura para siempre.
Muchísimas gracias !! Igual para todos
Padezco toc desde los 8 años, tengo 34 recién cumplí , toda una vida luchando con esto , no puedo descansar por las noches y cada vez va a mas puesto que me lavo mucho las manos , es como si me limpiara de mis pensamientos por lo que estoy todo el día lavándome las manos, mi mente, mis pies, como me despierte por la noche tengo que ir al baño a lavarme porque ansiedad me inunda y cuánto más lucho es peor pero solo así me puedo acostar tranquila, por eso cuando un familiar me despierta me enojo porque me cuesta la misma vida dormirme sin hacer compulsión y sufro mucho y pagan ellos cuando si me volviera a dormir sin hacer compulsión no me enojaría porque cogería sueño rápido , esto es una lucha continua, incluso estudiando , como me vengan pensamientos a tirar esa hoja de papel en la que estoy escribiendo, m incapacita , igual pasa con la ropa , si en el momento que me ponga una se me vienen pensamientos cambio de ropa y esa la meto en la lavadora, igual cuándo me peino, cambio de goma del pelo o la lavo, a veces hago tics también en presencia de los demás, me salen pellejitos en las manos de tanto lavarme , ademas de todo ello me baja la autoestima y no quiere ver a nadie, me vuelvo apática , esto es desesperante menos mal que soy creyente y al transmitirme esas palabras digo cierto lo dejo en manos del señor y que me pueda ayudar a mi y a los que lo están pasando , esto es una carcel mire como se mire, solo queda decir Padre del cielo ayúdanos 🙏
Gracias por compartir sus dificultades. Que continúen dando sus luchas al Padre y que os baña en Su paz celestial.
Going through this now, having only ever had very mild OCD, hormonal changes have brought severe panic attacks, anxiety and horrible intrusive thoughts. I have prayed for healing. The eirstt thing is the nature of the intrusive thoughts, they are blasphemous and therefore really distressing to me. I am exhausted with it and constantly having to ask forgiveness. If I knew what the Lord would have me do like you did, it would be amazing. I haven’t received anything though.
I know too well the torment of intrusive thoughts. Remember that Jesus knows your heart and your mind. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, we still experience these symptoms. But even in this, remember God is with you and knows what you are experiencing. In the moments of your intrusive thoughts, try using this prayer, “Jesus, I surrender this intrusive thought to You. You know my heart and my desire not to have this thought. I trust in Your mercy and goodness. In the Name of Jesus, I renounce this thought and all other thoughts that do not come from You, Jesus. I surrender my heart and mind to You. Fill my whole self with Your peace, Your mercy and Your love. I abandon my whole self into Your Most Sacred Heart. Amen.”
Remember always, the mercy of God is greater than we could ever imagine. Even what seems as the most severe symptoms of anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. are nothing compared to the Good God has in store for us in the next life. I believe God wants us to experience some of this Good now, if we only surrender all our trials and suffering to Him.
May God bless you abundantly. I will be praying for your healing.
Hola gracias x compartir su historia padezco de lo mismo toc comence cuando tenias 17 años pense q era q me estaba volviendo loco mas ansiedad me entraba mi lucha es con pensamientos de agresión acia mis seres queridos a los cuales amo y daria mi vida x q nunca les suseda nada fuia a buscar alluda medica a los 25 años todo ese tiempo luchando con mi mente q no entendia x q esos pensamientos si soy una persona de bien y se lo q esta mal y lo q esta correcto , me mandaron duloxetina 1diaria mejore muchisimo la tome durante 4 meses la doctora me dijo que descansará estuve un año sin tomar nada y en estos momentos me mudare de pais y tengo un nivel de estres super alto ansiedad pensamientos otravez q si me va mal q si todo es x gusto creo q necesito ir al medico y tomar la medicacion solo las personas q lo an vivido en carne propia saben lo dificil q es lidiar con el toc pero aun asi le doy gracias a dios x cada dia de mi vida fue la q me toco y siempre are el bien.
Gracias por compartir valientemente su historia. Sé que Jesús está con ustedes ahora y durante todas sus pruebas y sufrimientos. Que estén inmersos en Su paz, amor y sanación y encuentren refugio en cada momento en el Sagrado Corazón de Jesús.
I have struggled most of my life with OCD and now it is terrible to see my son going through severe OCD! Thank you for your reminder of God’s goodness. Sometimes OCD seems the cruelest torment because it warps our perception of God. Praying for God’s grace!
OCD seems most certainly to be a cruel torment at times! But praise God for His mercy and compassion – for I feel this is what sustained me through the worst of my experiences with OCD. It is my belief that OCD finds its demise in our complete surrender to HIM, who is all powerful and merciful. Count on my prayers for your son. May God shower you and your family in HIS merciful and healing love!
Thank you for sharing this. This was exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I’ve always known Jesus can heal, but I’ve always seemed to put my OCD above God. This gives me hope of healing from my OCD and reminds me who our God is!
Thank you for sharing. I am believing for my healing learning to let go and receive it. I am hopeful for my healing reading your testimony.
Same here.
I was 14 yrs old when it stared and I was struggling for 4 years.
Until I was so sick of it I would rather die .
No help from parents. No support . Nothing . Bullying at high school didn’t help either.
At the time I didn’t even know that was the OCD.
Then I took a chance and started praying . Silly, I thought, What I was doing ???
But I had nothing to loose .
It was insane prayer to Holy Spirit: 3 days and nights during which something came to my mind:
Give Me your greatest sin.
You know what it is .
It is the thing you want to hide from everyone so nobody knows.
It is so shameful – give ME that sin.
And I did just that : I gave it up . It was so hard because I was trying in the past to give it up but I failed.
But this time I had to succeed.
And you know what?
My nightmare which was haunting me for 4 years, vanished within 3 days.
Every time I remember this I have goose bumps – even now!
Those events have been driving all my life since then, even impacted who I married !
Whatever a beautiful witness of surrender! Praise God for His mercy and healing love!
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